"Happiness

is often just being content
with where you are"
as the falling snow
pattered like pop rocks
on the skin of our tent
and we four shifted drowsily
in the shelter built for two


i have been feeling the need today to be happy. it doesnt come to me easily sometimes. i went to a bonfire last with with about a dozen other kids from my class, whom i was never very close to. i was always on the fringes of practically every clique in high school... i could have done any one of them, but only partially. i never really committed to one, because not one really fit me. case in point: lunch was eaten outside when the weather was nice, in a little cafeteria-like building when it was rainy. i ate lunch alone every day either in the art department or backstage while playing piano. i had friends, but i was not a part of really any group. i drifted into a few after high school, though. i got closer to some guys after we graduated. anyways, i have been feeling like a loner alot these last two months or so. its a definite change for me. i had someone for over three years, and then within a very short time, i didnt have someone. i was alone again. i spent alot of time leading up to those three years alone. i spent my senior year alone (mostly) because that someone had graduated the year before. here i am again alone. and, the thing is, no amount of friends, no matter their caliber, can completely erase this ache in my heart- this reminder in the back of my mind that im a loner again. its a pain and a pleasure. its cool and at the same time it hurts like hell. days like today it hurt like hell. last night, while sitting with friends and watching the embers drift into the dark canopy above, all i could think of was someone i used to know. all i could think about was how much they would enjoy that moment. its been like that for two months. im so used to thinking of someone else all the time- im so used to thinking for two. i think about what they are doing then or about how they would enjoy something im doing at the moment. those things didnt just vanish when i turned back into the lone ranger. this apparition follows me and its a part of everything i do- this specter of a relationship past haunts my every moment. i dont know how long it will stay. i hope that my activities this summer will give me some relief from it.
i need to be content with this situation. i need to be content that this is where the Lord has placed me and i am here for a reason. i am here to learn something and to grow. maybe happiness wont come out of this contentedness, but at least peace will. the Lord has given me peace at times these last few months, and days like today i need it. happiness is sometimes just being content with where you are.